Okay before I get all this out I want to say first that I am fully aware that I am being overly sensitive about this. That being said here we go.
I went to book club last night and I loved it. This is what I miss the most about my college literature classes-being able to read a book and then discuss it. I understood the book better because of the discussion and I love engaging in conversation about literature with such smart women.
The problem came later. As with (what seems to me) all gatherings of women the conversation moved into mommy talk: how often should I do pictures, when do you step in to make it better vs staying out of it etc etc. Once again no one there did anything wrong but as a woman who would love nothing more than to be a mom I found myself once again on the sidelines with nothing to say that was relevant. The closest thing I can relate to is not being allowed into a great club-not because people don't want you there but because you don't meet the qualifications. More and more I find that I have to force myself to go to these gatherings-not because I don't enjoy the chance to be with such fabulous women but because I am always reminded of what I don't have.
Last year when I was starting to really realize that having a baby would not be easy I was talking to someone else who was struggling and I mentioned that I loved to hold other people's babies and to talk about them etc etc. She mentioned that she used to be like that but moved to the point where she didn't want to be around other people's kids or to talk about them. I feel I am moving into that stage.
Once again no one did anything wrong last night. I know there were other women there who have struggled and have been blessed with children. I am also fully aware that being able to talk and share about raising children is important for the other women who were there and are dealing with those challenges.
Sorry you had a rough night! I think sometimes we aren't as sensitive as we should be as mom's to others feelings because it's all consuming. That's not true, really, we forget that we are people outside of being moms. I have another friend that has struggled with pregnancy and after 13 years of trying, she's finally pregnant. Between her perspective and yours, I've learned a lot, thank you for being so honest and willing to share how you feel-that's a hard thing to do! You're such a strong person and a great example to me-THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteKristelle, My heart just goes out to you. I also went through a hard time with this. If you would ever like to get together and vent to me, I will always listen!! I am sorry you have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteOh Kristelle, I'm sorry you feel this way! Before having Skylie I'd sometimes think that all mom's had to talk about was their kids. (I swore I wouldn't be like that, but I'm probably becoming more and more like that.)
ReplyDeleteDoesn't it stink to feel out of the loop in a conversation--whether it's about books, kids, owning a home, whatever--I think we've all been there, but some topics are more emotionally taxing, huh?
I can NOT wait for your time to come! You'll be one awesome mama chatting up a storm about diapers, pictures, baby food, and everything else!
I'm sure it doesn't seem like this now, but someday when you have your beautiful baby in your arms you'll look back at this time and think "that was nothing." I swear, for every tear I shed while waiting to become a mom (and believe me, there were lots), there's been a million "good" tears since.
Hang in there, girl! In the meantime, here's a link to an article that kept me going. I probably read it at least once a week:
http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Liahona/1989.htm/tambuli%20august%201989.htm/unable%20to%20have%20children%20.htm