This is just for me

If anyone wants to enter into the inner workings of my mind feel free to read on but for most of you this might be a bit much.

Last night Eric made a very simple honest comment in passing that sent me into a tail spin. He wasn't trying to cause me any pain it was the timing of the comment more than anything. I started thinking about a lot of things-mostly about me need to please people all of the time. I have been talking to my counselor about this and so it has already been on my mind a lot. Then I started thinking about how that really shouldn't matter to me which only made me more upset. I do this a lot- get upset about something only to be upset about the fact that I am upset. But last night I just was so worried about what other people think about me. Plus I feel like half of the time I am hiding the real me from people. I always put on a smiling happy face and act like I am good when sometimes I am screaming on the inside for someone to look a little deeper. The irony being the worse I am feeling on the inside the harder I work to keep people out. I am starting to think that I am not the only one who feels this way. As I have listened to people talk-especially bear testimonies-I think we all do this. I just wonder if I do it more so than most people. Very few people get to see me when I am really down. So today I stayed in bed until I absolutely had to get up and go to work and forced myself to think about the menial tasks in front of me. It is easier to worry about getting all of the library periodicals in order than whether or not I really have the faith I need to make it.