Good thing my finger nails are long...

because some times I feel like I am hanging on by them. Working full time for the past nine months has been a huge blessing. Eric and I needed me to work to help us financially and I needed a reason to get up and get going everyday to help deal with my depression. That being said working full time has been a big adjustment for me that I can't quite seem to adjust to. I feel as though I am never any where close to accomplishing anything on my to do list. I have a hard time finding time to get even the basics done like brushing my teeth and reading my scriptures some days. By the end of the day I am exhausted and feel totally drained. If I take time for me I feel guilty for not having housework or other such items done or if I do the housework and other such items I feel even more depleted by bed time.

Right before we went to Florida we decided that sharing one car wasn't going to work with Eric's rotations this year. Having two cars has helped me in the evenings. When we were sharing I felt I could never start anything at home since I never knew when Eric was going to need me to go get him. Now that he just brings himself home that has made my evenings a lot less chaotic.

When we were still in Iowa my counselor told me that I needed to find something to to be excited about in my future. Not big way down the road things but up coming events. Over the summer I was super excited to go to Florida. Being on the beach with no agenda for the day and seeing family and no PAGERS!!! (Eric was on call a lot over the summer). I ended up being sick most of the time we were in Florida so my vacation wasn't as good as I had hoped. Looking back I remembered why I never let my self get that excited for things-I always hyped them up so much in my mind and then I was always disappointed for some reason or another.

I have also found that I run away from things. Over the summer we were having a maintenance issue that took months to get resolved and at one point I said "Let's just move." I am also like that with my job right now. Since that is what takes the most time I want to just quit and find a new job. I am not going to do that for a lot of reasons but I find that leaving the situation is my fall back method of dealing with issues. I think some of that comes from moving around so much as a child. I knew that if I just hung in there we would leave soon.

All this boils down to me needing to find balance in my life. Balance seems to be the theme in my life. I am not very good at achieving it but I am good at thinking about it and planning for it-just not executing it.